help!

Birthdays aren't easy. They haven't been easy since my dad and I blew out birthday candles for the last time a few years ago. I thought they'd get easier over time, but that hasn't been the case. The birthday song has been basically ruined for my birthday. Not for anyone else.... just me. It is an odd pavlovian response left behind after he passed.

Today I made it through the birthday song without a hitch. Not even a tear. Then the gifts happened. It seemed fine- funny cards and such. But I opened my mom's gift last. It was a gift card to one of my favorite stores (Banana Republic- what-what!!!!), followed by a small gift bag.

When I opened it up I was instantly confused. Ties? Why would she give me ties? Then I examined them closer. It was a set of four ties from my dad's collection. They were his Beatles ties. He had several from a collection of artists' renditions. When I was able to piece together the gift I'd received I made cry face. Claire Danes does a great job with cry face so I'll use her:

I cried. In front of my family, best friend, and soon-to-be family. But it was unstoppable. I couldn't help it. I miss my dad so much. While these ties should make me happy I am instantly crushed because they are ultimately useless. He already wore them. He'll never wear them again. That thought is too much to bear when I am going though as many awesome experiences. I miss him terribly.

I wiped away the tears and tried to shake that feeling as I celebrated with my family. It was still there hours after they'd left. So I ate cake. It didn't fix it. He's still gone.

If I was able to talk to him again I wouldn't hit any of the big stuff. We'd go to a bar for burgers and a beer. We'd talk about my next college degree, or my job. We'd talk about the boy. I think he'd be pleased with how I've turned out. A month before my dad passed he said "it's probably better you don't know how beautiful you are." I didn't like how I looked then, and I think I look great now... so he'd probably want to put me in some sort of witness protection program. =)

The gift made the black hole that was missing my father seem even larger. I can't fix how much I miss him. I can only hope to do great things so we can talk about him the next time we meet up.