not great

it never occurred to me that MJ would die. silly, but true.

 

more when i can wrap my brain around it. 

wayne hate

as previously discussed, i was a husky kid who watched ghostbusters a ton. luckily for me, i was also spoiled. this meant i had a proton pack, trap, ghostbusters firehouse and a projector flashlight that made ghosts appear on my basement walls. one of them was this stupid granny toy from "the real ghostbusters." i had like 8 of her. she sucked. 

the projector flashlight had a special card that, with the purchase of like 10 boxes of cereal, gave me an extra disk of projector ghosts for my basement wall. i obliged and waited patiently. eventually i forgot about the disk because i was like 8 years old and every time the ice cream truck came by i lost my train of thought. 

finally, one day in middle school, the disk arrived. this was in the "i am too cool for anything but chuck taylors and the spin doctors" phase of my life. not only was i confused about the disk arriving, but i opened it in front of a peer who was very mean and often made me purchase no fear shirts in order to hang out with her. she laughed at me. a ton. i resented the mail and probably threw it out in front of her to prove how cool i was. 

... why can't mail arrive when you want it to? 

i have been waiting for my answer on my PhD application for a few weeks. the website (lied) told me that I could expect the process to take a few weeks. I gave them four weeks and then called to check in. they saw that four and raised me a summer. apparently they plan to read my entry this fall. thanks.

hopefully that letter holds the same level of importance when it finally arrives. and hopefully that jerk from 8th grade isn't with me when i open it.

is there a treatment for "the hangover?"

spoiler alert: the movie wasn't good. 

i am going to explain why this movie blows. i won't give away any important plot points.... basically because i can't think of any to tell you. 

problem one: being overweight is not instantly humorous. being overweight and not wearing pants is also not instantly humorous. to be fair, it is more like an easy joke for people who generally don't get my jokes. while there were points where zach was funny, these had everything to do with delivery and nothing to do with his BMI. just saying. 

problem two: bradley cooper is unlikable. he isn't entertaining. in fact, he's so boring he reminds me of no one. i cannot make a comparison because i have no idea who this guy is or why he is allowed to be in movies. when vince vaughn was a bad friend in "swingers," and horrible friend in "made," i enjoyed watching it. i was legitimately mad at vince vaughn during "made." but he got something right that bradley cooper couldn't. 

problem three: aside from rollergirl, every female was legitimately unlikable. apparently we were the oppressor and the enemy. 

problem four: there was no dialogue worth mentioning. zach had some high notes including his "wolf pack" speech. but there were no great moments between characters. i think this is why i didn't care about them- at all.

problem five: none of this was even slightly believable. i'm not talking about the premise. it might've been good with a different cast, script, and soundtrack (which was stolen from pontiac's have a nice day cafe). there were racial stereotypes that were more uncomfortable than funny. the cops were no reno 911. bradley boring driving a cop car on sidewalk is not daring. it is lame. 

problem six: someone must've realized problems 1-5 because they spliced cameos from carrot top, mike tyson, and the band from old school into the final product. the band was about 12 shark jumps in. 

basically, zach didn't save it. either did the photo montage at the end. the worst part was leaving the theatre when everyone else was bumping fists and talking about how amazing it was. no, the worst part is IMDB telling me there'll be a sequel. (i had to look up bradley cooper's name because it is as forgettable as he is) 

randoms

i know it is a bit early to do a "randoms" entry on a new blog, but i am feeling dangerous this morning. 

(x) i had a $2 mojito at mexican gardens yesterday. it looked like a quickfire challenge on top chef, from a chef who had never had a mojito. it was rum and passion fruit juice. they were barely mixed. on top was two connected mint leaves. they were not crushed. there was no bubble action or simple syrup. it was $2 passion fruit rum. i took the leaves out and drank my bargain beverage just the same. 

(x) people who do the bare minimum get less work. if i had (a) more balls or (b) less pride i might try it out. unfortunately my business is kids and i feel that my work helps them develop a solid sense of self. i have no data to support this, but i try. i also have a short fuse for bare minimum. especially if you are scooping my ice cream cone. 

(x) i said in my last entry that cops don't notice me. firemen like to buy me drinks. they don't want to date me, but think "she's like one of the guys!" and end up buying rounds for anyone that seems "down." i seem down. there was one fireman that like-liked me once. but he had a belly and liked belle and sebastian. i can only assume that he'd never seen a fire before and has since made a career change. why would my brand of dude put a bunch of crap on his back and climb a ladder into a fire??? perhaps he joined to get cats out of trees. i can get behind that. most notably if they play a piano. 

play us out, piano cat:

(don't ask bill o'reily to play out your blog, OR introduce someone to. he's a sparkplug)

bump it up

cops don't want to date me. 

this isn't a particularly bad thing. it is, however, a fact. i have friends who are cop magnets. they have dated cops, flirted with cops, and avoided traffic tickets by batting eyelashes at said cops. that brand of dude does not treat me any different than a sandwich artist or pretzel peddler. they don't make eye contact when passing me in post offices or pharmacies. cops don't seem to care that i exist. this is probably why i feel perfectly comfortable rolling through stop signs.

then today happened. 

two cops noticed me. if they were wearing hats they'd most likely have tipped them at me. i wasn't sure what changed. perhaps my dented PT cruiser looked striking in the summer sunlight. it may have been my smile as i pretended i could be the lead singer of the cardigans. after adjusting my rear-view mirror to see what these cops were smiling at, i realized my secret weapon: i bumped it up.

observe:

this is what cops must love. big hair to cops must be the equivalent of puppies to girls.

good to know.