so that's what it feels like...

I was a failure today.

I suppose I was due. I've passed all of the standardized tests I needed to become a teacher. I rocked out my undergrad and graduate GPAs. That said, I have generally stuck to things in my wheelhouse. I have made some amazing crafts in my lifetime. I can make people laugh. I can teach.

That said, I avoid things I am not good at. I don't ever say the words "let's go play putt-putt." I took EXACTLY the amount of math and science classes required in high school. I wasn't good at them and I didn't want to do anything science or math related if I didn't have to. In fact, half of my last semester as a senior in high school was spent in spanish, as a teacher aid for band class, and leaving to help a 2nd grade classroom as a work study. I did what I wanted. And what I wanted to do was teach and do creative things, not use the FOIL method, a graphing calculator or go to a chemistry class.

Lately I am filled with a desire to teach people what I've learned during my weight loss journey. It wasn't a quick fix.... not even a year-long process. Jillian Michaels didn't yell me into shape. I didn't have a Jenny Craig consultant. I didn't get surgery. But I did count calories, work out, learn how to use weight training to help reduce my fat % and gain confidence. I have my Joan Holloway figure kicking and put clothes on without even consulting a mirror. I know I look sweet. In fact, the only complaint I've recently had is that some of my newer clothes already don't fit well and are becoming too baggy.

I can tell people how I did this. But I wanted to get certified so I could learn more information to help myself and others. So back in late October I ordered the NASM personal training test package. It came with DVDs, MP3s, a large textbook and a study guide. I could also access an online practice test.

But then reality set in. I had work commitments and the holidays appeared out of nowhere. My study time became less frequent. It wasn't until the end of January that I recommitted fully to study as I initially intended. I think a large part of this hesitation was the fear I had over the anatomy and science behind it all. I was completely overwhelmed by the vocabulary and lost my drive. I think I initially gave up when I got to chapters 4 and 5.

The past two months were spent studying. I would do a bit during the week. I would knock out a few chapters on the weekends. I think that this held me back quite a bit. Instead of studying an hour or so a day, I would do 5 hour marathon sessions twice a week. I basically did what I would NEVER tell my students to do. It clearly didn't pay off.

When I was looking over the materials I was confident about the vocabulary. But I knew that even if I passed today I wasn't ready to be a PT because I was having trouble with the assessments and the application of the knowledge. I think it is better that this happened the way it did. After all, what if I passed and trained people before I was truly ready to help? The reason I started this journey was to help people. I can't go into this without the feeling that I truly possess the knowledge that will allow people to make the changes needed to meet their goals.

I arrived at the testing center and my stomach sounded like a dinosaur. I went to check in. The test began and my heart started to beat fast. The first 2 questions were topics I didn't prepare for. Luckily, after that things seemed to get better. My heart rate settled down. I was feeling good. I knew I wasn't going to get a 90%, but I felt like I would pass. The test ended and I left the computer. The test printed and the woman didn't speak. That's when I knew I failed (at Weight Watchers the people always cheered when you did well, and silently slid you a paper when you didn't do so well).

I missed it my one question. ONE. I was devastated. I left the building not wanting to call anyone and just pretend it didn't happen. But I owned up to the truth. I failed. I know what I did right and what I did wrong. I am going to study the material daily and in smaller amounts. I am going to re-test because this is a set back, not an absolute.

help!

Birthdays aren't easy. They haven't been easy since my dad and I blew out birthday candles for the last time a few years ago. I thought they'd get easier over time, but that hasn't been the case. The birthday song has been basically ruined for my birthday. Not for anyone else.... just me. It is an odd pavlovian response left behind after he passed.

Today I made it through the birthday song without a hitch. Not even a tear. Then the gifts happened. It seemed fine- funny cards and such. But I opened my mom's gift last. It was a gift card to one of my favorite stores (Banana Republic- what-what!!!!), followed by a small gift bag.

When I opened it up I was instantly confused. Ties? Why would she give me ties? Then I examined them closer. It was a set of four ties from my dad's collection. They were his Beatles ties. He had several from a collection of artists' renditions. When I was able to piece together the gift I'd received I made cry face. Claire Danes does a great job with cry face so I'll use her:

I cried. In front of my family, best friend, and soon-to-be family. But it was unstoppable. I couldn't help it. I miss my dad so much. While these ties should make me happy I am instantly crushed because they are ultimately useless. He already wore them. He'll never wear them again. That thought is too much to bear when I am going though as many awesome experiences. I miss him terribly.

I wiped away the tears and tried to shake that feeling as I celebrated with my family. It was still there hours after they'd left. So I ate cake. It didn't fix it. He's still gone.

If I was able to talk to him again I wouldn't hit any of the big stuff. We'd go to a bar for burgers and a beer. We'd talk about my next college degree, or my job. We'd talk about the boy. I think he'd be pleased with how I've turned out. A month before my dad passed he said "it's probably better you don't know how beautiful you are." I didn't like how I looked then, and I think I look great now... so he'd probably want to put me in some sort of witness protection program. =)

The gift made the black hole that was missing my father seem even larger. I can't fix how much I miss him. I can only hope to do great things so we can talk about him the next time we meet up.

I should CoCo

I am certainly a work in progress. I have been trying to work on the way I internalize things. Historically, when I didn't agree with something there were three possible reactions:

Wanda Sykes- I would talk crap

Sam the Eagle- I would look grumpy and disapprove with flags unfurling behind me

Drac- out- That's where I take cover and don't really talk

(I couldn't find a picture of a vampire covering his face with a cape, but this dog is hilarious)

I am trying out the new reaction. This is still in development, so there is no guarantee it will work long-term. I am basically at the stage where Willy Wonka's gum turned Violet violet. But the test-kitchen is a good place to be, as progress can be made.

My new reaction is called CoCo Chanel. Here are some quotes so you can get my vibe:

• A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.
• In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different.
• Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.
• Since everything is in our heads, we had better not lose them.
• Some people think luxury is the opposite of poverty. It is not. It is the opposite of vulgarity.
• Success is often achieved by those who don't know that failure is inevitable.
• The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.
• There is no time for cut-and-dried monotony. There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time!

I am going to not waiver from who I am. However, I am going to do so in a "classy and fabulous" way. There are ways to stand firm in what I believe in without hurting other people's feelings. Don't get me wrong, Wanda is who she is and she's going to be in my head. But CoCo will be the speaker of the house.

I hope to end this era...

It occurred to me today that I gained all of that weight almost a decade ago. It was approximately 2001. This had nothing to do with 9/11 and everything to do with poor eating habits and an inactive lifestyle.

I was running on a treadmill today and I realized that this has to be finished soon. I need to be in a "maintenance" mode. I cannot let this journey span a decade. This isn't a phase, it is an era. I need to get to the end of it, where worrying about how clothes fit is a memory and not a thought in the back of my mind as I drive from place to place.

I'm over it. I need to be done with this.

Cheers to my upcoming maintenance, tentatively scheduled before 2011.

An open letter to everyone-

Please let children make mistakes. Let them know that they will not be the best at everything. There will be hard days, but those days are when good friends and family will get them through it. Do not advocate for them to get things that they have not earned just because they want them. Let them strive for what they want. Let them set goals. Let them dust off their own knees and try again. Let them understand failure so they can appreciate success. Let them understand consequences so they can learn from their choices. Let them live their lives even when their lives aren't going right. They'll learn from it and make better choices next time. They'll appreciate the better times and remember how the hard times shaped them.

Thanks.

making the best of it

This weekend I was stuck working in the cold rain. I had on gloves, hand warmers, and a scarf in May. It was so cold that I came up with a plan to wrap my feet in paper towel to "warm them." It worked. I could've complained the whole time or looked annoyed at all the parents and children who foolishly came out in that crap weather. But there's something about working there that makes bad days like that more fun. We're surrounded by people who can laugh at the situation and get through it. That's a nice atmosphere to work in.

I suppose that's what gets me to come back. I don't make very much. I could easily make more working somewhere else. There's something about the Village, though. It's beautiful in the fall. It is magical at night. There are so many crazy people who work there. You can't get through a shift without something ridiculous happening. However, those experiences are how I met some of my closest friends.

A part of the magic is my father. He took me there so many times. He thought he'd be able to be a glass blower when he retired. I'm glad he passed away with the belief that it was possible without a degree in fine arts. He and I watched historic baseball, rode the carousel, ate lunches at the Taste of History, rode the Model T, and even ate our weight in frozen custard a billion times over again. When I see children with their fathers it makes me smile. The place creates memories and traditions. I know that walking around those grounds with my father helped shape who I am and I like that I can be a part of those traditions for others.

If I were president...

I watched BSG last night. It was actually pretty entertaining, so I will probably end up watching the series. One point of interest for me was the woman who became president. She was the secretary of education in the beginning of the first episode, and eventually found herself having to run the "colonies."

I can't help but wonder what things would look like if the USA was run by someone who had a background in education. More fun to ponder- what would I do if I were the president?

I'm not going to pretend to be fully informed on the state of our union. However, it seems very troubling that our country (and state) runs on a huge debt. This debt has resulted in nearly every school district I know of having to make large cuts, stack classes, and pink slip employees. Is the government making the same cuts? I don't know.

I think that I would focus on a few things if I led the state, country, or world. I think if there was a strong emphasis on safety, health, education, and community we'd be able to give citizens the tools they'd need to succeed, which would make whatever I was president of a happy successful metropolis.

Safety: Everyone needs to feel safe. I don't know how I would do this, but I imagine it would involve some police men, lights in parks, less dark alleys, and a bat signal.

Health: I would make sure produce was affordable, and that there were strict laws on FDA unapproved crap like thermogenic pills and chemicals that weren't healthy. But I wouldn't stop people from deep-frying things or using butter. I just don't think we should be giving children chemicals and preservatives because it is convenient. They should deep fry their chicken on the spot. That's how Paula Dean's grandma did it!! And I hope the chicken is from a farm down the street....

Education: I wouldn't pay for our children's future with lotto money. I would look at the models of other countries who are getting it right and take suit. We'd teach less, but teach it WELL. And empower students. They won't all go to college. But they'll all figure out what they *might* want to do when they get older. Owning a cake shop or working on cars is pretty cool. So is engineering sweet cars. Do what you like!

Community: I would have parks, wildlife centers, museums, and a variety of restaurants that used whole ingredients. While I think fancy restaurants are wicked awesome, there'd also be some that were accessible to the masses. Libraries would be huge. We wouldn't tear down old buildings with character. There'd be bike trails, dog parks, and public transit. And we'd work with the money we had, not lower the value of the dollar and print/borrow more.

Oh, and Conan would get the Tonight Show back.